Cliche Spoof of HermioneisaVampireFics
by go.suck.on.a.lemon
Summary: A spoof of all the HermioneisaVampire fics I've seen lately. No disrespect intended, honestly, just laughs. Rating mainly just for safety, based on one line. Badly written on purpose, don't judge me based on just this fic.


AN: This story was the unholy spawn of a very late night (or very early morning, depending on how you want to look at it) conversation with a Youthwrite friend whose name has been removed from this introduction for her own protection. Honestly my normal writing is a LOT better than this, so don't get any ideas about my other fics based on this, really they're worth checking out. Also, absolutely no disrespect is meant to those who read and/or write Hermione-vampire stories. This is simply the issue of too many sleepless nights, two very hyper youthwriters and a whole lot of caffeine.

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling, in all her genius. Anything unfamiliar, like the plot, is mine.

_**The Incredibly Cliché and Entirely Non-cannon Hermione-is-a-Vampire Fanfiction!**_

It was the beginning of the trio's seventh year at Hogwarts. Over the two months of summer vacation they had managed to destroy all the horcruxs, defeat Voldemort, and round up most of the death eaters (don't ask me how, they just did, isn't that enough for you? Geese Louise!). There had been minimal casualties on their side, and no-one close to them had died, as that would have left them horribly depressed and emotionally scarred, and this is a frivolous and happy spoof-fic. In fact, to make this even happier lets say that Dumbledore and Sirius came back to life and Snape and Malfoy fought for the Order. There, that ought to make everyone happy. Also, even though this has no bearing on the story (except for the fact that I think Sirius would be really hot if he were a tad closer to my own age) when they brought Sirius back he had gotten younger by fifteen years and was therefore absolutely gorgeous and delectable, just like you'd want to spread chocolate and strawberries all over his… or is that just me?

Hermione was aquiver with anticipation for the new school year. She had just experienced the most dramatic summer of her whole life and was eager for some sort of structure. However, once the inevitable confusion caused by the start of a new school year had died down she found herself missing the excitement, the thrill. To put it plainly Hermione granger was bored, bored as two bored things, which is very very bored. Her classes had begun to seem redundant, as she had already mastered most of the material. Even her usual refuge of the library no longer held comfort for her.

Two months passed with Hermione in a close-to-catatonic state. She mechanically went through her daily routine: classes, meals, homework. She let the boys copy her work as she always had, and she laughed at their jokes. She really did try to enjoy herself; she just couldn't help feeling that something was missing.

Now I know what you're thinking, "it's post traumatic stress disorder." But it's not. You see, as I said earlier no one was overly traumatized by the war. Oh ho! So there. Now… where was I?

Finally near the end of October, in fact let's say it was the 31st for dramatic effect, Hermione was walking the edge of the forbidden Forest under the pretense of patrolling the grounds looking for errant students. Did I mention she became Head Girl? Well she did, and that's why she could use patrolling as an excuse. It was late, but going back to Gryffindor tower to play exploding snap with Harry and Ron held no appeal to her, so she continued her circuit, not realizing she had almost done the impossible and made a complete circuit of the forest. It was as the castle just started to come back into view that she first began to feel something was watching her. It was an unsettling feeling, like when you watch a horror film about someone who leaves his or her front door unlocked only to be attacked from behind while watching TV and then you realize that your front door is unlocked. Unconsciously Hermione increased her speed, but still the feeling followed her, pursuing her across the grounds.

She had just reached the whomping willow no her roundabout way to the castle when she was grabbed from behind in a violent grabby sort of way. Sufficed to say, it hurt. She tried to scream, but found her lips sealed by another pair of strangely cold ones. Her eyes grew wide in disgust and she violently attempted to shove her attacker away, only succeeding in wrenching his (she assumed it was a male) mouth from her own. By this point she was too scared to scream instead resorting to what she hoped was a vaguely threatening nonstop stream of speech. "Listen, whoever you are, I have a boyfriend and he would not be happy if he knew you'd just tried to kiss me. He's huge, seven feet tall and really strong, he can kick your ass." She couldn't believe she'd just said that, what the hell was she doing? She was a witch, why didn't she just hex him or something? It was true she was dating Ron, but based on the force with which this person had grabbed her he wouldn't have stood a chance.

A faintly sinister laugh was the only reply her attacker gave and in the dim light she just caught a glimpse of… fangs? Her face paled like bleached snow, this was much, much worse than she had thought. She was in more trouble then when she had faced that troll in her first year. More than when she had been frozen by the basilisk. More than when she had battled death eaters at the Ministry in fifth year. More than… well you get the idea.

"I very much doubt your boyfriend is any threat to me my dear. You know what I am, now come to me." Much as she loathed to admit it his accented voice held power (she could tell he was a guy by this point). She felt herself losing control of her limbs, moving towards his dark shape. His face was pale, but featured dark eyes and hair. In fact, he looked exactly like Dracula did in all those muggle movies she had watched when she was little, purely for educational purposes of course. He smiled again and lunged at her neck. She did scream at this point, as loudly as she could, it seemed he didn't have as much control when he fed, which was odd because you'd think that would be when he'd need more control.

She felt herself getting weaker as he expressed his lamprey side on her throat. Just as she was about to pass out she saw something over his shoulder. It seemed the willow had only just noticed their presence and had decided to go all Jackie Chan on their asses. A thin branch stabbed towards them and, unfortunately for the vampire, stabbed its stake-like point directly through his chest. Blood squirted everywhere and Hermione was thrown backwards. She landed heavily thirty feet away, covered head to toe in gore (nice image, eh?). Immediately her hands went to her throat, but she couldn't tell if she was still losing blood. Despite them commotion it seemed no one had heard, or at least they had deigned not to check it out.

Sighing in a resigned sort of way she performed a scourgify charm on herself and glanced over to where her attacker had fallen. Only a pile of ashes was left, so she assumed he was dead enough and she really didn't need to do any more damage. That didn't stop her from angrily kicking the pile as she passed, though.

When she got back to her quarters (obviously the Head Girl doesn't have too sleep in dorms anymore, even though nothing like that is ever mentioned in the books) she immediately went to the mirror. She gaped. The place where she had been bitten resembled a gigantic hickey, taking up far more room than any normal hickey ever should. She reasoned the vampire must have been able to unhinge his jaw or something. The puncture wounds blended in with rest so well no one would notice them unless were looking for them. Then panic struck: what would Ron say when he saw! He'd know she hadn't gotten it from him, he'd think she was cheating on him!

Hermione swore to herself, but just as she was working herself into a frenzy the bruise vanished, in the place of the punctures were two small freckles. She gingerly fingered her carotid, stunned. _Okay_… she thought, _that was just weird_. _Does that happen with all vampire bites?_ She rummaged through the bookcase at the side of her bed till she found what she was looking for: _The Complete Guide for Anyone Who Has Just Been Bitten By an Unidentified Vampire and has Absolutely no Clue What to Do Next_. It seemed appropriate.

Half an hour later Hermione was somewhat less than happy. She was curled up in a ball under her bed staring straight ahead, jaw tightly locked, face expressionless. It wasn't a good look for her. _The Complete Guide for Anyone Who Has Just Been Bitten By an Unidentified Vampire and has Absolutely no Clue What to Do Next_ lay open beside her four poster, to a page titled "If the Vampire that bit you is now dead you are completely screwed, seriously." The rest of the page hadn't been too encouraging either. Apparently she was now a vampire herself and had absolutely no-one to ask advice from. Of course the logical thing to do would be to go to Dumbledore or McGonagall, but Hermione wasn't feeling particularly logical at that moment, just absolutely terrified.

The reason for her fetal position was the feeling that had come over her halfway through the aforementioned page, when she suddenly got very thirsty. This wasn't actually what had disturbed her, she had been expecting the bloodlust since the first sentence. No, it was the face that had popped into her mind along with the cravings: Draco Malfoy. The year before she would have loved to go after him in this situation (no not because she wanted his body, I know what you were thinking!) but things were different now. Sure, he was still a major asshole, but he had fought for them in the war. (I really shouldn't have had that happen at the beginning of this spoof, it's making this so much more difficult, but it's in every story I'm spoofing, so what's a girl to do?) For possibly the first time in her life she had no idea what to do. And why the hell did she want to go after Malfoy anyways? Wouldn't it make so much more sense for her to want Ron? (My personal opinion here, I've always wondered that myself.)

Another hour passed before she had the nerve to pick up the book again. It still said she was completely screwed, but it did offer some further insight into her predicament. Since she no longer had a "host" as they termed it (makes her sound like a parasite doesn't it? ergh, now I'll be picturing Hermione as a tapeworm for days) she craved the blood of another, that she would fixate on a particular person, though it didn't say why that person. (Make up your own reason, I really don't want to think too much about that one.)

She sat for two hours before deciding that perhaps another walk in the grounds would do her more good than the previous one had. Wrapping herself in her black Hogwarts cloak she set off, unconscious as to where she was really walking. In fact she ended up in the dungeons, conveniently close to the Slytherin house. Of course, seeing how she was so deep in thought it inn she didn't realize this until a drawling voice from behind her inquired, 'What are _you_ doing down here Granger?"

She stopped short, _oh shit_, she was in trouble now. When she turned around Malfoy was mere feet from her, and sadly her newly acquired instincts took over. She jumped him. No, not just jumped-on-him-and-drank-his-blood type jumped, but jumped-on-him-and-snogged-his-face-off-while-ripping-off-his-clothes type jumped. And he squealed like a ferret.

Then he responded, and two minutes later they ended up in a broom closet, acting out the lyrics to the discovery channel song. Just as he started to "capsize on her thighs high tides" Hermione bit him, but being a dumb blonde (sorry to any blondes reading this) he didn't notice he was bleeding, that is until he had lost way too much blood. Then he was too weak to push her off and so Draco Malfoy died. Really. He didn't even come back as a vampire, because in this spoof things don't work like that got it?

Hermione licked her lips, satisfied, but a little grossed out. She transfigured Malfoy's body into a mop, a really blonde looking mop, and slipped out of the broom closet back up to her rooms where she found Ron looking for her. She smiled, now here was someone she could stand to spend eternity with.

Fin.

Ok, so it was not at all how I expected it to turn out, but ah well, I still think I skewered the concept a tad. And yes I had to change from pattern and have her end up with Ron at the end, I'm sorry but even in a spoof I cannot bring myself to write something that will have Hermione and Malfoy spending an undead eternity together shudder. Really, please do go check out my other pieces, I believe they are far superior to this one, but that's just me, judge for yourselves! As always review! I promise to reply to every review I get, really I do, I haven't missed one yet. :D


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